The 5 Stages Of Grief – From My Personal View

Les, my late husband, had been having headaches that just wouldn’t go away. Very unusual for him as this was someone who rarely had a cold. One day while at school, he lost feeling in his legs and had to be carried to his car. I don’t remember if someone drove him to Urgent Care or if he met me there. Anywho, we were told we needed to go to the E.R of an hospital instead.

Once at the E.R., they ran the usual C scan, etc. I remember saying to the doctor – Youre joking right? – after he informed us there was “something” on the C-scan and that an ambulance would be transferring him to another hospital. I remember the lights flashing from the ambulance as I sped behind it. Its so funny ’cause after we reached the hospital, Les said that one of the paramedics asked if he owned a black truck to which he responded yes…The paramedic then replied….I think that’s your wife behind us and they all bust out laughing.

I felt that my heart had been shattered into a million pieces, the next morning when we were told he had brain cancer.

(1) Denial

I couldnt understand how someone as healthy as he was, could get brain cancer. And then I did the research. It was hard to accept that he had a terminal illness, especially when everything was starting to fall into place for him, me and us.

(2) Anger
Angry that he had cancer
Angry about all the doctor appts.
Angry that he wouldnt listen to me about taking his meds or not eating certain things due to his diabetes
Angry that I had to quit school and work (selfish, yes)
Angry that he was going to die and leave me
Angry that Id never have a child with him.

 (3) Bargaining
I prayed daily that maybe if I was a better wife, God wouldnt take him from me.
If I started living right as in taking better care of myself – emotionally – he wouldnt be taken from me

 (4) Depression
When he started going down hill and then lost his eyesight, it depressed me to see someone who was as talented and smart as he was, no longer able to work doing what he loved doing. It depressed me to see him not be able to take care of himself.
I cried alot, alone until it got to the point where I was just numb. I shut everyone out. My escape was the blog I had:
Loving Someone With Brain Cancer.

(5) Acceptance
It has taken a loooong time to finally accept the fact that Les is gone. My husband is gone and he’s not coming back. Yes, it hurts my heart. You dont just ‘get over’ the loss of someone you love BUT you come to a point where you learn to move on. Life sure will whether youre a part of it or not.

I know Les is happy and healthy now.  I find peace and comfort in that.

This is a video I made during his illness
How ironic though that 5 years later, Id find out the exact same way that my mother had lung cancer after having to call an ambulance to my home to take her to the hospital due to her having trouble breathing.

These are my 3 favorite quotes.
“Earth has no sorrow, that Heaven cannot heal”
“You don’t get to choose how you’re going to die. Or when. You can only decide how you’re going to live. Now” Joan Baez
And if there should ever be another good man with whom I share my life, there will still be that empty corner of my soul. I know what I had and what I lost. I hope I will not spend the rest of my life alone. But if I do, I will not be sorry for myself. Life goes on, and I am ready to join the parade again.” Dr Joyce Brothers

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