Last Sunday, it was as though God was speaking to me to get up and go to this particular church. I know it may seem crazy but every single time Ive heard Him speaking to me regarding church, it was something that I needed to hear while in church.

Ive been having a REALLY hard time with my mommy’s death. I knew I wasn’t “over it” but I truly thought I had dealt with it. The other day I had a really bad trigger which almost caused me to have a wreck. The trigger? It was a song by – The Temptations. A Christmas song called – Silent Night. I have a love-hate relationship with that song.

See, my dad was the type that sometimes I knew when we’d be having a great day and when we’d be having a day from hell. Sometimes I just couldn’t tell with him though. My dad didn’t always take off from beating my mom just because it was Christmas. Did we ever not get anything? Nope! Sometimes we received things from them that they had bought and other times, it was given to us from various organizations, such as The Salvation Army. If he happened to beat her on Christmas Day (usually in the mornings), we’d go through the usual process (he’d beat her, Id do whatever I could to make him stop, while my younger siblings hid (sometimes I did as well) or ran for the neighbors. After it was over, my mom would pull herself together. We’d open presents, she’d make this huge Christmas dinner, we’d play, eat and then go to bed.

When the song started playing as I was driving, it made me start really missing my mom (we played that song a lot during Christmas in our house when I was younger) but then I got so pissed/angry at the way she was treated not only by my dad but family as well. Myself included before her and I started getting close. Back in the day, I was so angry at her for staying with my dad but once she explained to me – why (after I got older) I came to understand the dynamics of domestic violence, especially after having gone through it with an ex husband. It just isn’t so cut and dry as people seem to think when one chooses to stay in that type of situation.

It is hitting me HARD that my mommy is gone. This is the second time that Ive had to go through something like this. Watching someone I love battle cancer and knowing that them being wheeled out of my home, with a white sheet draped over them, would be the last time I saw them until I left this earth. I always thought my mothers death would come at the hands of my father – not that, that’s any better. Never in a million years did it occur to me she’d get lung cancer, even though she smoked like a chimney sometimes, let alone how quickly it would take her life. Ive come to realize that I haven’t allowed myself to grieve because that’s what I do. I convince myself that death is a part of life (which it is) – I cry, suck it up and keep moving.

I feel like I have to apologize for feeling the way that I do at the moment, especially with my not wanting to go all out with Christmas this year. Im not cooking. I didn’t put up a tree. I did put up a few decorations and bought my (step)kids gifts. However, Im not in the mindset to ‘celebrate” and I will not apologize for that. I cant make anyone, that doesn’t want to, understand how much I am hurting right now. Thankfully, I do know that I need grief counseling and Ive found a support group not far from my house that meets up in the evening. That works out great because we only have one car. While Im there, I will also be dealing with my late husbands death. It has been over 6 yrs. since his passing and Ive yet to scatter his ashes. I have no real answer as to why I haven’t.

Grief is a BITCH!

I do know that this will become easier to deal with once Ive dealt with it. There is so much that Id like to accomplish in 2015 and Im just so very tired of carrying all this weight (not just pertaining to my mothers death) in my heart and on my shoulders. I cannot continue to go on thinking that Im ok, when Im not. When the pastor stated how it may be particularly hard this Christmas, for those who had lost someone,  the tears came, yet again. Hearing the pastor say – It’s ok – to not be ok, really hit home and it made me even more aware that Im not ok and there’s no shame in saying that.

I don’t know what it is about me but I NEVER proof read until AFTER Ive posted. Once I start reading, then other – stuff – comes to mind and I start writing more.

Im just weird like that I suppose 🙂