The holidays have not been the same for me since the death of my mommy. Never in a million years did I think she would get cancer; considering everything that she endured and survived through. It was unexpected and her passing happened quickly after it was discovered; less than 2 months.

Before her death, I was finally at a place of peace (and could celebrate the holidays) after losing my late husband (5 years prior to my mommy’s passing) to brain cancer (Glioblastoma IV). His diagnosis was a total shock. He survived for 2 yrs and 2 months after his diagnosis. I wrote about that here – Losing a Spouse and here – Loving Someone With Cancer: blog about our journey after his diagnosis.

My mommy’s death shook me to my core and 9 years later, I continue to find myself in tears. I miss every.single.thing about her. I had/have never experienced that sort of pain since the death of my niece and nephew who both died in a house fire. Even then, there’s still no comparison to the loss of my mommy. Her passing still knocks the wind out of me.

*Picture beloww* Shortly after her diagnosis. I had just got done greasing her scalp as she was watching her Westerns. She was a big fan of Gunsmoke.

I miss her. I miss her. My heart and soul misses her.

Last year, I was allowing myself to get back into enjoying the holidays. However, this year, a recent event has put me back into not wanting to celebrate. In October I found myself in a very, VERY dark place and it has taken a lot to get myself out of it.

I will not put up a front just to please anyone that chooses to celebrate the holidays. I dont owe anyone any explanations outside of what I write about or when I say “no”. I do decorate our home because that brings me happiness. Other than that, I have no desire to gather around with others during the holiday season this year.

Maybe this will all change as time goes on, but for now – I’m okay with not celebrating. I actually feel relieved. I’m learning to set boundaries and do what is best for my mental health and well-being.

Does that mean that I hate Thanksgiving or Christmas – since these two are the hardest for me? Absolutely not! However, at this point in time, I don’t think the holidays will ever be the same for me and I’m okay with that.

My plans for Christmas Eve and Christmas day is to attend church.

PLEASE make sure that you are taking care of your mental health and well-being at ALL times and even more during the holidays.