Finally! A Name To My Disorder…

When I was in middle school, a huge bump/lump developed under my right ear. I remember being so embarrassed and being made fun of it. My parents finally took me to the hospital and all I remember is being told it was some type of (benign) tumor and that I’d need to have surgery to have it removed.

The only memory that I have is waking up in the hospital with this tube placed inside of the incision(opening) under the stitches I had. At the end was a bulb that collected the drainage. Continue reading “Finally! A Name To My Disorder…”

On the Day I Die

Sometimes we truly do worry about the wrong things and people. Those things end up robbing us of the precious time we have to enjoy life and those around us…

john pavlovitz

flowers copyOn the die I day a lot will happen.

A lot will change.

The world will be busy.

On the day I die, all the important appointments I made will be left unattended.

The many plans I had yet to complete will remain forever undone.

The calendar that ruled so many of my days will now be irrelevant to me.

All the material things I so chased and guarded and treasured will be left in the hands of others to care for or to discard.

The words of my critics which so burdened me will cease to sting or capture anymore. They will be unable to touch me.

The arguments I believed I’d won here will not serve me or bring me any satisfaction or solace.   

All my noisy incoming notifications and texts and calls will go unanswered. Their great urgency will be quieted.

My many nagging regrets will all be resigned to the past, where they should have always…

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Let’s Talk Fashion

I’m the 1st to admit that I have no sense of style. I wear what’s comfortable, even if what I’m wearing doesn’t match or make much sense. I absolutely wish I could live in flip flops, shorts, t-shirts, skirts and dresses.

I’m not much into wearing jeans or heels. With heels, I’m scared that I’m going to fall and bust my ass. However, shoes that have a chunkier heel, I’m o.k. with wearing.  Or, I’m o.k. with high heels if I know I wont be doing too much walking.  With jeans – I’m on the short side, so finding jeans that fit without the need for altering, well – the struggle can be real. But I think I’ve found a store (Ashley Stewart) to solve my dilemma.

Considering I now have an office, I need to start dressing as though I’m going into the office. I came across a page on Facebook (Stylish Eve) a while back and glad that I did because it has made it much easier putting pieces together. I like seeing that jeans can be dressed down or up too, so I will be looking into buying a few pairs and in different colors.

I’m really looking forward to the many changes to come in my “fashion”journey. So far, this is what I’ve come up with…

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The Cranberry and Christmas 2015

This was supposed to have been written before the new year. But better late than never I suppose…

There’s really no way to (perfectly) describe the sadness I (still) feel of my mom’s passing. It’s even harder when the holidays roll around. However, I was determined to make the most of Christmas for the sake of my (step)children.

Reality started to set in the day before Christmas. The hubster put on some Christmas music but deep down I was wishing he’d stop playing it. Some of the songs triggered memories – some good and some bad. The bad meaning that my dad didn’t care if it was the holidays or not when it came to him physically abusing my mom. But my mom being who she was, through her bruises and pain, always prepared a nice hot breakfast Christmas day (if he beat her the night before) and made sure we had a pretty decent Christmas as kids.  I ended up crying in the bathroom. I was happy when the hubster finally stopped playing Christmas music.

I wrote a post on Facebook in memory of my mom – the day before Christmas and I’m still a bit sad at that point. I was eating cereal that had cranberries in it and was removing them as Im not a fan of cranberries. About 6 minutes after posting the memorial to my mom, I came across a cranberry that, to me, looked like a heart. I swear in an instant it seems, a sense of calmness washed over me. I could feel my mommy’s presence and so I decided to pull myself together. Yes, I do believe in (guardian) angels.

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I know what I felt when I came across what looks to me like a heart shaped cranberry

Continue reading “The Cranberry and Christmas 2015”

Makeup – Makeover

The hubster needed some new clothes, so we headed over to the mall Saturday afternoon. While going into JC Penny, I noticed there was a Sephora. Talk about overwhelming cause who knew there was so much to choose from?!? I’ve only shopped online and since I knew exactly what I wanted, it never crossed my mind to check out the makeup

I’m not much of a makeup wearer but when I do use it, I go for a more natural look. Thank goodness there was an awesome consultant that helped me out in choosing what to buy.  I ended up changing lipstick color though from the one in the picture.  The hubster said the original color I’d chosen, looked blue and made my lips looked weird. I also returned the liquid foundation and exchanged for eye shadow instead. Plus I got some money refunded.

 

 

 

Review of the Movie – Courageous

I really enjoyed this movie and can relate in more ways then one. It reminded me of my struggles in dealing with my father growing up. I often wonder what my life would have been like had my father not been in my life – completely opposite of what this movie is about. Why? Because my father was not a very nice man, especially when it came to my mother who he would beat senseless sometimes. I remember him being someone who decided he wouldnt pay for us to have heat in the house which required us to take a bath – in a bucket – that we’d fill with hot water after boiling on the stove. I honestly believe my father was bipolar.

There was that part of me that hated him and a part of me that loved him. I will never have a concrete answer on whether my life would have been better had my father not been a part of it. I left home when I was 16 and not soon after, my father left my mother for another woman. I remember my father trying to reconnect with me prior to his death but I wasnt trying to hear it. He died without us having reconciled and I dealt with a lot of anger, hurt, saddness and guilt as a result. I finally found the courage and strength to visit my fathers grave and a sense of peace came over me in doing so but there are days….. I can only pray that my father made peace with himself and the Lord prior to his passing.

Our circumstances will either make or break us. Ive been at my lowest of lows ( a story in itself) and while I had no control over my life as a child, I do have control over my life as an adult. Being hurt is a part of life. There just isnt a way around it and more than likely, it’ll be at the hands of those closest to you. Ive learned a lot in my life and one thing is for sure – Ive made it this far through the grace of God. I know beyond ALL doubt that He has been with me and protected me in ways that would have others looking side ways considering what Ive gone through. I still have some issues to work through and others I have no desire in working through. If I did, that would result in taking away my being who I am as a woman and person and I refuse to live a life (like I used to) based on other peoples perceptions.

I am my mothers daughter – Im my fathers daughter too.

I highly recommend this movie….. Theres a document in movie which can be bought by clicking link – The Resolution

Hotel Living *300 sq ft of space*

There was more than one reason as to why I went this route. The main reason was for my sanity (sometimes you have to be SELFISH in order to maintain your sanity) which I may or may not elaborate more on later.

I looked at different options; another house, an apartment, mobile home, and a camper. What struck me the most about living here is paying one price which covers: electric (which thank goodness cause I run the a/c every.single. day – damn hot flashes), water and internet. We take the garbage down to the main dumpster. The downsides are: no dishwashers ( I love paper plates – lol), no oven but I’ve become pretty good at using our crock pot and toaster oven to make meals. And now-a-days, there are so many food items that can be microwaved. Yeah! Yeah! Also, the bed is in the same area as the living area.

We’re in a double but I took the other bed/mattress and put it behind our T.V. to give us more space. There’s an elevator here which is nice. Although I’ve been using the stairs more since I’ve been trying to get better at exercising. I’ve felt pretty safe being here and haven’t had any problems so far. As a matter of fact, there are some people that have been here for well over 2 years. There are some school aged children here and the school bus actually picks them up (and drops them off) at the front door of the hotel. There’s no garage, so when it rains or it’s cold – well yeah!!

Housekeeping comes about once a week but you can pay an extra fee if you need the services more than that. There’s a laundromat downstairs and you can exchange the linens/towels if need be. I prefer to wash my own though. I also have to remind the hubster about not having the sound up too loud when he’s gaming. Since we only have one T.V. – if I want to watch a movie, I either grab my tablet or watch on my laptop. I’m not a big T.V. watcher anyway but if I do, the only show that I’m interested in watching is Law and Order:SVU

Continue reading “Hotel Living *300 sq ft of space*”

My Hysterectomy – Part 1

I knew that eventually I’d end up needing a hysterectomy due to the constant pain and heavy bleeding I was dealing with. I understood why my gyn suggested I try other options such as a uterine ablation because of the risk factors due to the multiple surgeries I had previously.  However, after doing research and learning that it may not even work, I made the final decision to have a hysterectomy. The date was set for July 22nd. First I had to go on Lupron in hopes of shrinking the multiple fibroids I had. I only had to take the one shot of Lupron and then the Lupron pills for about 3 weeks I believe.

The night before (July 21st) my surgery, I packed my bags with one of my favorite books to read – Winnie The Pooh. Id rather eat dirt than drink milk of magnesia EVER again and then finished my night with a big ole bowl of butter pecan ice cream. I also packed away my pads and tampons considering it would be the last time I’d need them.

SURGERY DAY!!!

We arrived pretty early – around 5am I think. I was able to talk with the anesthesiologists and made it known – again – to not give me morphine as I have a very bad reaction to it. Then it was just a matter of waiting to be rolled in once my doctor arrived.

The last thing I remember is being rolled out the room and my hubby giving me a kiss…

 

My First 5k

I was determined to do a 5k and finally completed one. I’ll be doing my 2nd one in Feb/2016. I had a lot of fun and having the proceeds go to a local charity made it that more awesome’r. It may have taken me a hot minute hour to do but I finished….Woohoo!!

I wasn’t too sure about wearing a tutu but did so anyway. Glad I did because I wasn’t the only one who wore one!

Saying Goodbye…

ETA: I’ve changed the original date of this post, which was: Jan 23, 2015, to today’s date. I’ve made the arrangements so that my late husband can have a final resting place. It’s been 7 years since his death and I think it’s time to give him a proper burial.

I have yet to give my late husband a final resting place. His ashes have been sitting inside his urn, in my closet, for 6 years now. I know this bothers the hubster as to why I’m still holding onto his ashes. There is one major thing as to why that has nothing to do with my not moving forward from his death. Something I wont get into here but at this point in my life, I have to stop worrying about how people think when they’ve mistreated me. Also, after giving him a final resting place, it will not cover up the void that remains – you don’t just “get over” a loss like that. Sure you move on but the void and pain is still there. People often compare the loss of a spouse, due to divorce, with the loss of a spouse ,due to death, as being the same. They are not the same. While I do agree that no one gets married just to get a divorce and yes you grieve from that sense of loss, it’s still not the same as losing a spouse to death.

Divorce is a Choice. Death is Not.

Does that mean I love the hubster any less because I still grieve over the loss of my late husband? Certainly not. When I post on social media, it’s usually during Veterans Day. I was a military spouse (to different people – gaah that sounds so bad) for over 20 yrs., so it’s just natural for me to remember my late husband on that day especially.

The flag was given to me after my late husband passed. I still have his dog tag and the heart shaped box contains some of his and my mommy’s ashes. I’m hoping that the hubster follows my wishes as I want the ashes in the container, mixed with mine should I pass before him. I know that may seem morbid to some but not to me.

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If you are a widow – this is a great place to connect with other widows – Camp Widow