I absolutely LOVE apartment living. We are centrally located to just about everything and the amenities here suit us just well. At this point in time in our lives, and especially in mine, I have no desire to buy a home or even live in a house. Been there! Done that!
Yes, my home is usually uncluttered and clean; unless I’m purging or rearranging. This is something that I learned from my mother. Even when my (bonus)children lived with us full time, they had their own space which they had to keep clean or stuff went to the trash. Considering we don’t have as much space now, the kids play in their room which they have to clean up before going back to their moms house. Age by Age Chore Chart
I did a bit of a change to our home which was way out the norm for me. I’ve always been into richer tones like reds and browns. I went with hues of blue for this makeover. I still have a few things I’d like to buy/add but in all due time. For now, I’m pretty happy with what I’ve done so far. Continue reading “Apartment Living; Our Home”→
This was supposed to have been written before the new year. But better late than never I suppose…
There’s really no way to (perfectly) describe the sadness I (still) feel of my mom’s passing. It’s even harder when the holidays roll around. However, I was determined to make the most of Christmas for the sake of my (step)children.
Reality started to set in the day before Christmas. The hubster put on some Christmas music but deep down I was wishing he’d stop playing it. Some of the songs triggered memories – some good and some bad. The bad meaning that my dad didn’t care if it was the holidays or not when it came to him physically abusing my mom. But my mom being who she was, through her bruises and pain, always prepared a nice hot breakfast Christmas day (if he beat her the night before) and made sure we had a pretty decent Christmas as kids. I ended up crying in the bathroom. I was happy when the hubster finally stopped playing Christmas music.
I wrote a post on Facebook in memory of my mom – the day before Christmas and I’m still a bit sad at that point. I was eating cereal that had cranberries in it and was removing them as Im not a fan of cranberries. About 6 minutes after posting the memorial to my mom, I came across a cranberry that, to me, looked like a heart. I swear in an instant it seems, a sense of calmness washed over me. I could feel my mommy’s presence and so I decided to pull myself together. Yes, I do believe in (guardian) angels.
I really enjoyed this movie and can relate in more ways then one. It reminded me of my struggles in dealing with my father growing up. I often wonder what my life would have been like had my father not been in my life – completely opposite of what this movie is about. Why? Because my father was not a very nice man, especially when it came to my mother who he would beat senseless sometimes. I remember him being someone who decided he wouldnt pay for us to have heat in the house which required us to take a bath – in a bucket – that we’d fill with hot water after boiling on the stove. I honestly believe my father was bipolar.
There was that part of me that hated him and a part of me that loved him. I will never have a concrete answer on whether my life would have been better had my father not been a part of it. I left home when I was 16 and not soon after, my father left my mother for another woman. I remember my father trying to reconnect with me prior to his death but I wasnt trying to hear it. He died without us having reconciled and I dealt with a lot of anger, hurt, saddness and guilt as a result. I finally found the courage and strength to visit my fathers grave and a sense of peace came over me in doing so but there are days….. I can only pray that my father made peace with himself and the Lord prior to his passing.
Our circumstances will either make or break us. Ive been at my lowest of lows ( a story in itself) and while I had no control over my life as a child, I do have control over my life as an adult. Being hurt is a part of life. There just isnt a way around it and more than likely, it’ll be at the hands of those closest to you. Ive learned a lot in my life and one thing is for sure – Ive made it this far through the grace of God. I know beyond ALL doubt that He has been with me and protected me in ways that would have others looking side ways considering what Ive gone through. I still have some issues to work through and others I have no desire in working through. If I did, that would result in taking away my being who I am as a woman and person and I refuse to live a life (like I used to) based on other peoples perceptions.
I am my mothers daughter – Im my fathers daughter too.
I highly recommend this movie….. Theres a document in movie which can be bought by clicking link – The Resolution
There was more than one reason as to why I went this route. The main reason was for my sanity (sometimes you have to be SELFISH in order to maintain your sanity) which I may or may not elaborate more on later.
I looked at different options; another house, an apartment, mobile home, and a camper. What struck me the most about living here is paying one price which covers: electric (which thank goodness cause I run the a/c every.single. day – damn hot flashes), water and internet. We take the garbage down to the main dumpster. The downsides are: no dishwashers ( I love paper plates – lol), no oven but I’ve become pretty good at using our crock pot and toaster oven to make meals. And now-a-days, there are so many food items that can be microwaved. Yeah! Yeah! Also, the bed is in the same area as the living area.
We’re in a double but I took the other bed/mattress and put it behind our T.V. to give us more space. There’s an elevator here which is nice. Although I’ve been using the stairs more since I’ve been trying to get better at exercising. I’ve felt pretty safe being here and haven’t had any problems so far. As a matter of fact, there are some people that have been here for well over 2 years. There are some school aged children here and the school bus actually picks them up (and drops them off) at the front door of the hotel. There’s no garage, so when it rains or it’s cold – well yeah!!
Housekeeping comes about once a week but you can pay an extra fee if you need the services more than that. There’s a laundromat downstairs and you can exchange the linens/towels if need be. I prefer to wash my own though. I also have to remind the hubster about not having the sound up too loud when he’s gaming. Since we only have one T.V. – if I want to watch a movie, I either grab my tablet or watch on my laptop. I’m not a big T.V. watcher anyway but if I do, the only show that I’m interested in watching is Law and Order:SVU
ETA: I’ve changed the original date of this post, which was: Jan 23, 2015, to today’s date. I’ve made the arrangements so that my late husband can have a final resting place. It’s been 7 years since his death and I think it’s time to give him a proper burial.
I have yet to give my late husband a final resting place. His ashes have been sitting inside his urn, in my closet, for 6 years now. I know this bothers the hubster as to why I’m still holding onto his ashes. There is one major thing as to why that has nothing to do with my not moving forward from his death. Something I wont get into here but at this point in my life, I have to stop worrying about how people think when they’ve mistreated me. Also, after giving him a final resting place, it will not cover up the void that remains – you don’t just “get over” a loss like that. Sure you move on but the void and pain is still there. People often compare the loss of a spouse, due to divorce, with the loss of a spouse ,due to death, as being the same. They are not the same. While I do agree that no one gets married just to get a divorce and yes you grieve from that sense of loss, it’s still not the same as losing a spouse to death.
Divorce is a Choice. Death is Not.
Does that mean I love the hubster any less because I still grieve over the loss of my late husband? Certainly not. When I post on social media, it’s usually during Veterans Day. I was a military spouse (to different people – gaah that sounds so bad) for over 20 yrs., so it’s just natural for me to remember my late husband on that day especially.
The flag was given to me after my late husband passed. I still have his dog tag and the heart shaped box contains some of his and my mommy’s ashes. I’m hoping that the hubster follows my wishes as I want the ashes in the container, mixed with mine should I pass before him. I know that may seem morbid to some but not to me.
If you are a widow – this is a great place to connect with other widows – Camp Widow
Around Christmas, the passing of my mom really hit me and I mean hard. Some days I cannot believe it’s been over a year because it seems as though it just happened. I have to look at old posts on FB and the dates of pictures to see what has happened over the last 2 years cause it all seems such a blur.
I had our home internet disconnected for a week, which didn’t really go over too well with the hubster cause I did so without telling him. I also deactivated my FB account. Something happened between us over Christmas and it was pretty bad. All I can say about that is – I learned a lot during that week break. (1) Have a life outside of your spouse (2) You cant rely on anyone else to provide you with happiness (3) You cant fight for something if the other party isn’t willing to fight as well (4) Life is too fucking short or long – depending on how one looks at it.
Also, I didn’t realize how much being on the internet – whether it was researching, reading different blogs, being on social media, etc was taking up so much of my time that could have been spent doing other things I deem important towards my being happy and fulfilled. Not to mention I was actually getting to bed at a decent hour. The internet has been on for 2 days now and it’s so easy to fall back into old behavior which is why Im so happy that Im filling up my time away from being on the computer for an insane amount of time every day.
I think I/we’ve found a church. So far, I’m really loving it. On the 24th, I will be attending – Project One Women’s Gathering. What is it about? Project One is a gathering of women from different backgrounds, communities & churches – coming together – to be united as one voice.
Last Sunday, it was as though God was speaking to me to get up and go to this particular church. I know it may seem crazy but every single time Ive heard Him speaking to me regarding church, it was something that I needed to hear while in church.
Ive been having a REALLY hard time with my mommy’s death. I knew I wasn’t “over it” but I truly thought I had dealt with it. The other day I had a really bad trigger which almost caused me to have a wreck. The trigger? It was a song by – The Temptations. A Christmas song called – Silent Night. I have a love-hate relationship with that song.
See, my dad was the type that sometimes I knew when we’d be having a great day and when we’d be having a day from hell. Sometimes I just couldn’t tell with him though. My dad didn’t always take off from beating my mom just because it was Christmas. Did we ever not get anything? Nope! Sometimes we received things from them that they had bought and other times, it was given to us from various organizations, such as The Salvation Army. If he happened to beat her on Christmas Day (usually in the mornings), we’d go through the usual process (he’d beat her, Id do whatever I could to make him stop, while my younger siblings hid (sometimes I did as well) or ran for the neighbors. After it was over, my mom would pull herself together. We’d open presents, she’d make this huge Christmas dinner, we’d play, eat and then go to bed.
The kids come over every other weekend and on Sunday, before we take them home, we sometimes stop at the Chinese restaurant. Last weekend as we were leaving, I wanted to get a picture of the hubster with the kids and I wanted one of us all together. The solution? Using the kickstand on my phone and propping it up on a concrete block…LOL! It took a few shots but eventually we got one. Not perfect but hey, those are the best moments.
While being a (step)mom/(step)parent has it’s moments, I so love these kids and happy that we’re are part of each others lives. It’s amazing how much they’ve grown the past 3 years.
The hubster and kiddos. Can you tell the one that doesn’t like getting his picture taken?
This body has endured: Domestic violence, rape, sexual abuse, infertility, multiple surgeries to become pregnant, multiple miscarriages, multiple (and obvious failed) suicide attempts. This body has cared for more people than it can count. This body has carried the weight of those who could no longer walk and this body is dealing with hypothyroidism, which makes it difficult – not impossible but difficult – to lose weight. My second belly button is the result of having to be cut open to repair my intestine, which was injured during an attempt to ‘clean up” my uterus.
Some may look at the picture – My body and say: Gross!
I look at this picture – My body and see a – Survivor!
Les, my late husband, had been having headaches that just wouldn’t go away. Very unusual for him as this was someone who rarely had a cold. One day while at school, he lost feeling in his legs and had to be carried to his car. I don’t remember if someone drove him to Urgent Care or if he met me there. Anywho, we were told we needed to go to the E.R of an hospital instead.
Once at the E.R., they ran the usual C scan, etc. I remember saying to the doctor – Youre joking right? – after he informed us there was “something” on the C-scan and that an ambulance would be transferring him to another hospital. I remember the lights flashing from the ambulance as I sped behind it. Its so funny ’cause after we reached the hospital, Les said that one of the paramedics asked if he owned a black truck to which he responded yes…The paramedic then replied….I think that’s your wife behind us and they all bust out laughing.