Productive Day Today

I took the time today to respond to emails. I was able to figure out some things for my meet-up next month which I’m super excited and nervous about. My plan, later down the line, is to also include those who have young daughters and/or nieces. I really want these meet-ups to be one of empowerment/encouragement not only for the adults, but the children as well. I didn’t have a mother-daughter relationship (growing up) with my mom in the sense of us sitting down to have (girl) talks or going out for mommy-daughter time. That didn’t happen until I was much, much older.

I had to run to Wal-Mart last night and bought a super comfy skirt and shirt which I will pair with a jacket, since the shirt is basically a tank top. I absolutely love pearl necklaces and as a Southurn girl, you can never have too many. I found a super cute set – earrings and necklace, last night. Tomorrow, I will attempt to do my makeup and hair. I may need to go watch a view videos on Youtube so I don’t end up looking like a clown. Ha!  I’m really excited to start dressing up as an adult. LOL!!

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Now I sit here, wishing that the hubster was home. Even though we’re struggling and pretty much do our own thing when he is here, I like having him close by.  I ordered some pizza, which I’m eating and I’m about to put some papers together to hand out at the meet-up.

It’s All Starting To Come Together

I’ve been doing some major research and planning so that I’m not thrown for too much of a loop. I have to be organized in some way and having a binder helps. Especially since I will be utilizing public transportation which will limit the amount I carry in my backpack. I’m sure the first few weeks days  (of my walking from the bus stop to the office) will be rough and tough cause I haven’t exercised in well over a month….*sigh*

Aside from all things related to my organization, I also wanted to start having a meet-up, maybe once a month that would include women that I personally know that have been through it – emotionally, spiritually, physically, etc. Maybe if this takes off, it will go beyond this initial stage with more women joining in. That would be totally awesome. I know it can be difficult when you have a bunch of women together but I’m hoping to form a sisterhood that focuses on empowering and encouraging each other. There will be no tolerance for drama and gossip. If disagreements arise, I would hope that we’re all mature enough to handle them as an adult and remember that not everyone will always agree. I’m all for constructive criticism but blatant disrespect, won’t be tolerated either.

Luckily my office has a really nice, large meeting room and I’ve contacted the person that I need to, to set aside a date for next month to hold my 1st meet-up. Only those who receive an invite will be allowed to come as I want this to be a safe place to meet-up as well.

Things are starting to fall into place and I’m pretty happy about that….

*Click  Picture(s) To Enlarge Photos*

 

Gonna Be Interesting!

I have an office that’s on the other side of town and considering we only have one car at the moment, it’s pretty difficult getting there since the hubster (often) travels for work.

I started looking at catching a cab maybe once or twice a week. I thought it would be pretty cool! I could pretend that I was in New York and hailing a cab. Until I put in the trip for one way and received an estimated cost. Lets just say – Ouch! So I looked into our public transportation system.  (1) I cant beat the price and (2) it’ll give me an extra incentive to exercise because from the location I’d get dropped off at – it’s about a 17 minute walk and (3) I may just get the bike I’ve been wanting. There are bike racks located on the front of the bus which I had to watch a video to learn about installing it properly.

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Cuteness

I haven’t rode on a bus since I was a kid. I do remember how embarrassed I used to be having to stand and wait for the bus to come. Now, not so much. It may take a hot minute to get to your destination (they’re worse than Greyhound with the multiple stops) but I will see it as an adventure. For my route, it will take about 2 hrs to get from point A to point B. I’m going to have the hubster drop me off at my stop (after scoping out the route) and then walk to my office to see just how bad it may be. Hopefully I wont be huffing and puffing too bad….LOL!

This will give me a chance to be at the office more until we buy another car. This will definitely be interesting cause lawd help me. 26 Things You’ll See On Public Transportation

 

My Purpose

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As a survivor of domestic violence, rape and sexual abuse, I’ve always known that I didn’t want what I’ve gone through, to be in vain. I wanted to use what I’ve gone through as a way to raise awareness, help victims become survivors and much more.

I decided to take a training course (yrs ago but I stay up-to-date, especially on legal issues) so that I could provide support to women who  had gone to the emergency room as a result of rape. I sat in with the victim to offer support and then provided an envelope with valuable resources. It was hard, emotionally, on my first call as I know what it’s like to be on the other side. To be pocked, asked questions, photographed and prodded as the SANE nurse collected samples/evidence. The only reason I had to stop volunteering was due to my (late) husbands battle with brain cancer.

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The Cranberry and Christmas 2015

This was supposed to have been written before the new year. But better late than never I suppose…

There’s really no way to (perfectly) describe the sadness I (still) feel of my mom’s passing. It’s even harder when the holidays roll around. However, I was determined to make the most of Christmas for the sake of my (step)children.

Reality started to set in the day before Christmas. The hubster put on some Christmas music but deep down I was wishing he’d stop playing it. Some of the songs triggered memories – some good and some bad. The bad meaning that my dad didn’t care if it was the holidays or not when it came to him physically abusing my mom. But my mom being who she was, through her bruises and pain, always prepared a nice hot breakfast Christmas day (if he beat her the night before) and made sure we had a pretty decent Christmas as kids.  I ended up crying in the bathroom. I was happy when the hubster finally stopped playing Christmas music.

I wrote a post on Facebook in memory of my mom – the day before Christmas and I’m still a bit sad at that point. I was eating cereal that had cranberries in it and was removing them as Im not a fan of cranberries. About 6 minutes after posting the memorial to my mom, I came across a cranberry that, to me, looked like a heart. I swear in an instant it seems, a sense of calmness washed over me. I could feel my mommy’s presence and so I decided to pull myself together. Yes, I do believe in (guardian) angels.

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I know what I felt when I came across what looks to me like a heart shaped cranberry

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2016 – I Will Not

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When I say the last 2 yrs have been trying. I mean they have been trying. Especially with the  passing of my mom in 2013.

During the last year or so, I have learned a lot about myself through different experiences and realizing that I need to break the cycle that I usually find myself in. With that came the realization that I need help. As in professional help. I’ve found a counselor and just waiting to be emailed back regarding insurance.  So with that, in 2016 – I Will Not…

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Review of the Movie – Courageous

I really enjoyed this movie and can relate in more ways then one. It reminded me of my struggles in dealing with my father growing up. I often wonder what my life would have been like had my father not been in my life – completely opposite of what this movie is about. Why? Because my father was not a very nice man, especially when it came to my mother who he would beat senseless sometimes. I remember him being someone who decided he wouldnt pay for us to have heat in the house which required us to take a bath – in a bucket – that we’d fill with hot water after boiling on the stove. I honestly believe my father was bipolar.

There was that part of me that hated him and a part of me that loved him. I will never have a concrete answer on whether my life would have been better had my father not been a part of it. I left home when I was 16 and not soon after, my father left my mother for another woman. I remember my father trying to reconnect with me prior to his death but I wasnt trying to hear it. He died without us having reconciled and I dealt with a lot of anger, hurt, saddness and guilt as a result. I finally found the courage and strength to visit my fathers grave and a sense of peace came over me in doing so but there are days….. I can only pray that my father made peace with himself and the Lord prior to his passing.

Our circumstances will either make or break us. Ive been at my lowest of lows ( a story in itself) and while I had no control over my life as a child, I do have control over my life as an adult. Being hurt is a part of life. There just isnt a way around it and more than likely, it’ll be at the hands of those closest to you. Ive learned a lot in my life and one thing is for sure – Ive made it this far through the grace of God. I know beyond ALL doubt that He has been with me and protected me in ways that would have others looking side ways considering what Ive gone through. I still have some issues to work through and others I have no desire in working through. If I did, that would result in taking away my being who I am as a woman and person and I refuse to live a life (like I used to) based on other peoples perceptions.

I am my mothers daughter – Im my fathers daughter too.

I highly recommend this movie….. Theres a document in movie which can be bought by clicking link – The Resolution

Hotel Living *300 sq ft of space*

There was more than one reason as to why I went this route. The main reason was for my sanity (sometimes you have to be SELFISH in order to maintain your sanity) which I may or may not elaborate more on later.

I looked at different options; another house, an apartment, mobile home, and a camper. What struck me the most about living here is paying one price which covers: electric (which thank goodness cause I run the a/c every.single. day – damn hot flashes), water and internet. We take the garbage down to the main dumpster. The downsides are: no dishwashers ( I love paper plates – lol), no oven but I’ve become pretty good at using our crock pot and toaster oven to make meals. And now-a-days, there are so many food items that can be microwaved. Yeah! Yeah! Also, the bed is in the same area as the living area.

We’re in a double but I took the other bed/mattress and put it behind our T.V. to give us more space. There’s an elevator here which is nice. Although I’ve been using the stairs more since I’ve been trying to get better at exercising. I’ve felt pretty safe being here and haven’t had any problems so far. As a matter of fact, there are some people that have been here for well over 2 years. There are some school aged children here and the school bus actually picks them up (and drops them off) at the front door of the hotel. There’s no garage, so when it rains or it’s cold – well yeah!!

Housekeeping comes about once a week but you can pay an extra fee if you need the services more than that. There’s a laundromat downstairs and you can exchange the linens/towels if need be. I prefer to wash my own though. I also have to remind the hubster about not having the sound up too loud when he’s gaming. Since we only have one T.V. – if I want to watch a movie, I either grab my tablet or watch on my laptop. I’m not a big T.V. watcher anyway but if I do, the only show that I’m interested in watching is Law and Order:SVU

Continue reading “Hotel Living *300 sq ft of space*”

Keep Pushing…

*Originally posted Jun 10, 2015*

Being in college (on break) has been awesome and it’s given me my own sense of identity. I’ve had a come to Jesus with myself about my weight and my health issues as well. I’d known already that I was borderline in having high blood pressure and was officially diagnosed as pre-hypertensive not too long ago.  The one thing I have not been consistent at is exercising but I have some plans for that and my bad habit of drinking sodas (I’ve been soda free for 2 months now). I know I need to get my ass in gear (I’ve started going to the gym regularly). My dad died from a heart attack and I’m not trying to have one if I can help it.

Since I’ve been going I’ve noticed that my posture is better and my heart rate is as well. Go Me!

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Saying Goodbye…

ETA: I’ve changed the original date of this post, which was: Jan 23, 2015, to today’s date. I’ve made the arrangements so that my late husband can have a final resting place. It’s been 7 years since his death and I think it’s time to give him a proper burial.

I have yet to give my late husband a final resting place. His ashes have been sitting inside his urn, in my closet, for 6 years now. I know this bothers the hubster as to why I’m still holding onto his ashes. There is one major thing as to why that has nothing to do with my not moving forward from his death. Something I wont get into here but at this point in my life, I have to stop worrying about how people think when they’ve mistreated me. Also, after giving him a final resting place, it will not cover up the void that remains – you don’t just “get over” a loss like that. Sure you move on but the void and pain is still there. People often compare the loss of a spouse, due to divorce, with the loss of a spouse ,due to death, as being the same. They are not the same. While I do agree that no one gets married just to get a divorce and yes you grieve from that sense of loss, it’s still not the same as losing a spouse to death.

Divorce is a Choice. Death is Not.

Does that mean I love the hubster any less because I still grieve over the loss of my late husband? Certainly not. When I post on social media, it’s usually during Veterans Day. I was a military spouse (to different people – gaah that sounds so bad) for over 20 yrs., so it’s just natural for me to remember my late husband on that day especially.

The flag was given to me after my late husband passed. I still have his dog tag and the heart shaped box contains some of his and my mommy’s ashes. I’m hoping that the hubster follows my wishes as I want the ashes in the container, mixed with mine should I pass before him. I know that may seem morbid to some but not to me.

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If you are a widow – this is a great place to connect with other widows – Camp Widow