2018 and Not So Random Thoughts…

I was going to write a post about how 2017 went; I’ll make a separate posts on how Christmas Eve and Christmas day went because it was awesome. I decided not to because I’m focused on 2018. I have reflected back on 2017 in hopes of not making some of the same mistakes.

I’m introverted, well unless I’ve been drinking (LOL).  I don’t enjoy talking on the phone. I love to write and hate small talk. I prefer bookstores, thrift stores (I loathe going to the mall). I prefer music (particularly jazz) over watching television unless it’s a documentary or a movie I think I’d enjoy watching. I love the relationship I have with God; even when my Faith is tested.  I’ve also noticed that if my hair isn’t right, I don’t feel “put together”, so I need to do better at keeping myself up. I loathe heels but have learned I do better with chunkier heels. I’m a mixture of femininity, sexiness and being a rebel. I will be saying “Fuck and Fucking” a lot because those are 2 of my favorite words; hell, I just like cussing. I don’t need anyone telling me it’s “unladylike”.  I plan on taking advantage of our gorgeous beach here this summer. We loved going to Bands on the Beach.

Continue reading “2018 and Not So Random Thoughts…”

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Makeup – Makeover

The hubster needed some new clothes, so we headed over to the mall Saturday afternoon. While going into JC Penny, I noticed there was a Sephora. Talk about overwhelming cause who knew there was so much to choose from?!? I’ve only shopped online and since I knew exactly what I wanted, it never crossed my mind to check out the makeup

I’m not much of a makeup wearer but when I do use it, I go for a more natural look. Thank goodness there was an awesome consultant that helped me out in choosing what to buy.  I ended up changing lipstick color though from the one in the picture.  The hubster said the original color I’d chosen, looked blue and made my lips looked weird. I also returned the liquid foundation and exchanged for eye shadow instead. Plus I got some money refunded.

 

 

 

Keep Pushing…

*Originally posted Jun 10, 2015*

Being in college (on break) has been awesome and it’s given me my own sense of identity. I’ve had a come to Jesus with myself about my weight and my health issues as well. I’d known already that I was borderline in having high blood pressure and was officially diagnosed as pre-hypertensive not too long ago.  The one thing I have not been consistent at is exercising but I have some plans for that and my bad habit of drinking sodas (I’ve been soda free for 2 months now). I know I need to get my ass in gear (I’ve started going to the gym regularly). My dad died from a heart attack and I’m not trying to have one if I can help it.

Since I’ve been going I’ve noticed that my posture is better and my heart rate is as well. Go Me!

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One Size Doesnt Fit All…

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This body has endured: Domestic violence, rape, sexual abuse, infertility, multiple surgeries to become pregnant, multiple miscarriages, multiple (and obvious failed) suicide attempts. This body has cared for more people than it can count. This body has carried the weight of those who could no longer walk and this body is dealing with hypothyroidism, which makes it difficult – not impossible but difficult – to lose weight. My second belly button is the result of having to be cut open to repair my intestine, which was injured during an attempt to ‘clean up” my uterus.

Some may look at the picture – My body and say: Gross!

I look at this picture – My body and see a  – Survivor!

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No Title *A Poem A Wrote*

Im definitely not an expert at writing poetry but I try *smiling*

Battered, torn and bruised

My past I cant escape

But I refuse to let my abusers – fill my heart with hate.


They tried to keep me down

But Im much stronger than they thought

Cause here I still stand – a great battle I have fought.


My trials and tribulations have been placed in His hands

To have made it this far in life,

I know there’s nothing I cant withstand.

The 5 Stages Of Grief – From My Personal View

Les, my late husband, had been having headaches that just wouldn’t go away. Very unusual for him as this was someone who rarely had a cold. One day while at school, he lost feeling in his legs and had to be carried to his car. I don’t remember if someone drove him to Urgent Care or if he met me there. Anywho, we were told we needed to go to the E.R of an hospital instead.

Once at the E.R., they ran the usual C scan, etc. I remember saying to the doctor – Youre joking right? – after he informed us there was “something” on the C-scan and that an ambulance would be transferring him to another hospital. I remember the lights flashing from the ambulance as I sped behind it. Its so funny ’cause after we reached the hospital, Les said that one of the paramedics asked if he owned a black truck to which he responded yes…The paramedic then replied….I think that’s your wife behind us and they all bust out laughing.

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I felt that my heart had been shattered into a million pieces, the next morning when we were told he had brain cancer.

Continue reading “The 5 Stages Of Grief – From My Personal View”

I Remember Mommy and Thank You….

My Beautiful Mother – 7/14/34 – 10/25/13

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I remember your strong work ethic. I remember being dead dog tired sometimes and mad that we’d work late into the night until we got the job at hand done. I didn’t understand then but I understand why – now.

I remember being pissed that you had ripped up my favorite skirt
It was way too tight and short for a girl my age but I understand why you did what you did – now

I remember you always advising me that forgiveness isn’t for the person you need to forgive. It’s so you don’t hold onto the anger and hurt which could be detrimental to how you spend the rest of your life. I never really understood how you could forgive so easily but I understand why – now

I remember you telling me that every decision I make has consequences whether good or bad. That I would have to live with the decisions I make and Id better be ready to deal with the outcome. I understand a lot better – now

I remember so many things that you tried to teach me that I fully didn’t comprehend at the time. The older I become – the more I understand the why’s and how’s of your advice.

Continue reading “I Remember Mommy and Thank You….”

Suicide Awareness

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http://www.suicidepreventionlifeline.org/

I’m a survivor. The cut to the right is of my(failed) attempt to end my life. Several times before that, it was via pills. I don’t know why I was allowed to live while so many others have died. I don’t judge as I know what it is like to feel helpless and hopeless. Hugs to those of you who are struggling with depression. Rest In Paradise to those who no longer are ❤

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I Asked God…

Let me start off by writing that I am not an overly religious person. In fact, Im more spiritual than I am religious. I’m not here to debate how and why I feel the way that I do. I know what works for me.

My only wish (goal) is to maybe help and inspire others who are and/or have gone through situations that makes you say – what the hell?!?

I don’t have all the answers. I don’t know why seemingly good people are faced with some of the most tragic things no-one should ever have to endure. I don’t know why seemingly bad people “have it all”. I don’t question why anyone attempts suicide. Ive been there (many times) so I know better than to judge.

Life is Life.

I try to be as positive as I can be because I know that one day, I will never have to endure the hurts and pains any longer cause Lord willing, I will be with my Heavenly Father.

So on that note…

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A Letter To My Father

My father was a very abusive man. I cant even begin to write all that he put my mother and our family through,. My father has been gone for about 20 years I suppose. He seems to visit me in my dreams but I still have the nightmares of all that he put my mom and our family through. Im still working on trying to forgive him. My Letter To My Father…

Daddy,
I do not understand why you caused the kind of pain that you did towards mommy. I dont understand why you caused so much pain within our family. I dont understand how one moment you were this man that was a loving father and husband but then in the blink of an eye, became this evil, EVIL man that beat the crap out of a woman that did absolutely nothing to deserve it, nobody deserves to be beaten like that. EVER.

Every night when I close my eyes, I cannot get out my mind the day you tried chasing her down with a fucking knife. I had seen you pissed before but not like this. I cant stop thinking about the end result had our neighbors NOT been home to let her in. I am ANGRY at you dad…ANGRY and HURT by your actions back then. Do you have any idea how many times I wished you would just drop dead?

Its hard to believe that at one time, the daughter you called ‘daddys little girl’, would be the one to end up hating you. How could you let it even come out your mouth that I was a slut cause you assumed I was ‘helping’ mommy to cheat when you knew damn well all we did was work. We found the pictures you took when youd ‘stalk us’ while we were out working. That should have told your ass something.

It was your behavior that led me towards a man (my first husband) that was just like you, abusive. It was your behavior that led me to become an alcoholic, suicidal, sleeping with men cause I didnt love myself enough but ya know what?? Im NOT that person anymore. I had no control over those things but I do NOW.

I have a wonderful life and its time for me to let go of the things Ive been hanging onto for so long. Ive allowed this hatred towards you control me and I cant do that anymore. Its going to take some time to work through all of these emotions but “I” will get there.

Your daughter,Sylvia
RIP Daddy