*The picture below is of my “little” family. Pictured is the hubster, myself and all 8 of my (step)children. At the time that the picture was taken, I also had my niece and our foster son.*
When I was young, I was the go to person whenever a babysitter was needed. At 12/13 years old, Id be watching up to 6 or 7 kids, not much older than myself because that’s just the way it was set up, especially with my being the oldest. I clearly remember my mom telling me one day – you’ll never have any kids of your own cause youre always taking care of someone else’s. When I began actively TTC (trying to conceive), I often thought back to what she said and thought she had put a curse on me.
I (officially) began this journey back in 2003 with my late husband. I remember the day my gyn told me the difficulties I would face, coming home and telling my (late)husband through my tears that Id understand if he left me for not giving him a child. At the time he only had one and I knew he wanted at least one more. His response to me was – I didn’t marry you just so you could have my child. If it happens, it happens and if it doesn’t, it doesn’t but that we would try whatever needed to be done. And try we did.
We eventually tried IVF (after IUI’s) which resulted in 3 embabies being implanted in me. After waiting and waiting to test, we we’re pregnant but that would end with my having a miscarriage (chemical pregnancy) – that was by far the hardest thing for me during the entire journey. At the time, we were also dealing with him having brain cancer, so trying to have a baby were no longer in the plans.
Fast forward to the present. I remarried, wanted to try one last time only to be told that due to all the surgeries, the Fibroids, the scar tissue, etc. that I would have a hard time getting and staying pregnant. That if I did manage to get pregnant, that Id either have a miscarriage or Id pretty much be on bed rest the entire time. That was back in 2012. In between that time, there was so much going on in my life with having 6 (step)children to raise, my mom came to live with us, followed by my niece, then foster son and then nephew. The hubster and I decided that we would take the steps needed for me not to get pregnant at the time. However, deep down, I still longed to be a mom – biologically and I still do.
My cycles have become extremely heavy, long (when Im on), unpredictable, Im anemic and I have cramps from HELL! My new gyn. pretty much told me what I already knew about trying to get pregnant. I already knew that Id have a *Update: (Had done in July 2015) hysterectomy but now I know that is the best decision – for me – to make. Does it hurt like hell to know I’ll never be a mom, biologically? Absolutely!
I used to read the story about Hannah (from the Bible) and I prayed and prayed and prayed. But then you get to a point of acceptance. Again, as much with my life, it wasn’t part of the plan for me to have my own child(ren) especially when I have been and continue to be a mom to so many others in some capacity. And no, I don’t allow my (step)children to call me mom because they have one who is in their lives.
I’ve been coming across articles on those who choose to remain child-free. I know as women, it’s the “norm” that we are supposed to get married and make babies and if you choose to remain childless, then youre “selfish”. What the hell? I totally respect those who choose to not bring children into this world because they know they are not meant to be a parent(s). It’s their body. Their choice. As I mentioned earlier, does my heart hurt not having a child of my own? Of course! But there are days when Im perfectly ok with being able to sleep in or not hearing screaming kids. People need to be honest with themselves about things and stop caring what others think.
In closing, I know there will always be those triggers (watching a mom playing with her child, baby things, etc.) but I refuse to dwell on it. Dealing with infertility will (sometimes) consume you. At least it did with me.
I’ve come to understand that I am no less of a woman simply because I cannot bare children.
For those having to endure this and have to deal with the ignorance of others trying to tell you….oh, it’ll happen if you just relax. Or, just adopt…yada, yada, yada…feel free to mail or email them the list below…It’s a lot easier than telling them to ” KISS YOUR *BLEEP* *giggles*
You can read the rest of my journey at: My Journey To Become A Bio Mom