Christmas – The Adventurous Introvert

The holidays have not been the same for me since the death of my mommy. Never in a million years did I think she would get cancer; considering everything that she endured and survived through. It was unexpected and her passing happened quickly after it was discovered; less than 2 months.

Before her death, I was finally at a place of peace (and could celebrate the holidays) after losing my late husband (5 years prior to my mommy’s passing) to brain cancer (Glioblastoma IV). His diagnosis was a total shock. He survived for 2 yrs and 2 months after his diagnosis. I wrote about that here – Losing a Spouse and here – Loving Someone With Cancer: blog about our journey after his diagnosis.

My mommy’s death shook me to my core and 9 years later, I continue to find myself in tears. I miss every.single.thing about her. I had/have never experienced that sort of pain since the death of my niece and nephew who both died in a house fire. Even then, there’s still no comparison to the loss of my mommy. Her passing still knocks the wind out of me.

*Picture beloww* Shortly after her diagnosis. I had just got done greasing her scalp as she was watching her Westerns. She was a big fan of Gunsmoke.

I miss her. I miss her. My heart and soul misses her.

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This was supposed to have been written before the new year. But better late than never I suppose…

There’s really no way to (perfectly) describe the sadness I (still) feel of my mom’s passing. It’s even harder when the holidays roll around. However, I was determined to make the most of Christmas for the sake of my (step)children.

Reality started to set in the day before Christmas. The hubster put on some Christmas music but deep down I was wishing he’d stop playing it. Some of the songs triggered memories – some good and some bad. The bad meaning that my dad didn’t care if it was the holidays or not when it came to him physically abusing my mom. But my mom being who she was, through her bruises and pain, always prepared a nice hot breakfast Christmas day (if he beat her the night before) and made sure we had a pretty decent Christmas as kids. I ended up crying in the bathroom. I was happy when the hubster finally stopped playing Christmas music.

I wrote a post on Facebook in memory of my mom – the day before Christmas and I’m still a bit sad at that point. I was eating cereal that had cranberries in it and was removing them as Im not a fan of cranberries. About 6 minutes after posting the memorial to my mom, I came across a cranberry that, to me, looked like a heart. I swear in an instant it seems, a sense of calmness washed over me. I could feel my mommy’s presence and so I decided to pull myself together. Yes, I do believe in (guardian) angels.