Keep Pushing…

*Originally posted Jun 10, 2015*

Being in college (on break) has been awesome and it’s given me my own sense of identity. I’ve had a come to Jesus with myself about my weight and my health issues as well. I’d known already that I was borderline in having high blood pressure and was officially diagnosed as pre-hypertensive not too long ago.  The one thing I have not been consistent at is exercising but I have some plans for that and my bad habit of drinking sodas (I’ve been soda free for 2 months now). I know I need to get my ass in gear (I’ve started going to the gym regularly). My dad died from a heart attack and I’m not trying to have one if I can help it.

Since I’ve been going I’ve noticed that my posture is better and my heart rate is as well. Go Me!

Continue reading “Keep Pushing…”

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I Asked God…

Let me start off by writing that I am not an overly religious person. In fact, Im more spiritual than I am religious. I’m not here to debate how and why I feel the way that I do. I know what works for me.

My only wish (goal) is to maybe help and inspire others who are and/or have gone through situations that makes you say – what the hell?!?

I don’t have all the answers. I don’t know why seemingly good people are faced with some of the most tragic things no-one should ever have to endure. I don’t know why seemingly bad people “have it all”. I don’t question why anyone attempts suicide. Ive been there (many times) so I know better than to judge.

Life is Life.

I try to be as positive as I can be because I know that one day, I will never have to endure the hurts and pains any longer cause Lord willing, I will be with my Heavenly Father.

So on that note…

Continue reading “I Asked God…”

The Lotus Flower…

LotusFlower

The lotus flower grows in muddy water and rises above the surface to bloom with remarkable beauty. At night the flower closes and sinks underwater, at dawn it rises and opens again.
 
Sometimes I see the words Ive written and its as though Im reading someone elses life when in reality, that life is – Mine! The only way I can explain any of it is that Ive come this far by the grace of God.
He has protected me.
Kept His distance from me to draw me closer to Him.
Continues to love and guide me, even though I feel like I dont deserve it at times.
However, He reminds me that I AM a child of God
Inspite of all my imperfection.

 
I dont know what the future has in store for me considering how my past has been but this I do know……
In my saddness, there is happiness
In my tears, there is laughter
In my fears, there is courage
In my failures, there is success
In my disappointments, there is hope 
In my doubts, there is confidence
and
In my hurts, there is LOVE…

A Letter To My Father

My father was a very abusive man. I cant even begin to write all that he put my mother and our family through,. My father has been gone for about 20 years I suppose. He seems to visit me in my dreams but I still have the nightmares of all that he put my mom and our family through. Im still working on trying to forgive him. My Letter To My Father…

Daddy,
I do not understand why you caused the kind of pain that you did towards mommy. I dont understand why you caused so much pain within our family. I dont understand how one moment you were this man that was a loving father and husband but then in the blink of an eye, became this evil, EVIL man that beat the crap out of a woman that did absolutely nothing to deserve it, nobody deserves to be beaten like that. EVER.

Every night when I close my eyes, I cannot get out my mind the day you tried chasing her down with a fucking knife. I had seen you pissed before but not like this. I cant stop thinking about the end result had our neighbors NOT been home to let her in. I am ANGRY at you dad…ANGRY and HURT by your actions back then. Do you have any idea how many times I wished you would just drop dead?

Its hard to believe that at one time, the daughter you called ‘daddys little girl’, would be the one to end up hating you. How could you let it even come out your mouth that I was a slut cause you assumed I was ‘helping’ mommy to cheat when you knew damn well all we did was work. We found the pictures you took when youd ‘stalk us’ while we were out working. That should have told your ass something.

It was your behavior that led me towards a man (my first husband) that was just like you, abusive. It was your behavior that led me to become an alcoholic, suicidal, sleeping with men cause I didnt love myself enough but ya know what?? Im NOT that person anymore. I had no control over those things but I do NOW.

I have a wonderful life and its time for me to let go of the things Ive been hanging onto for so long. Ive allowed this hatred towards you control me and I cant do that anymore. Its going to take some time to work through all of these emotions but “I” will get there.

Your daughter,Sylvia
RIP Daddy