Yesterday I received news that my sister had passed. I’m still attempting to wrap my head around her dying.
Tony is 12 years older than I am and we pretty much grew up together. She had some disabilities due to being hit by a car when she was young. However, she was smart as all get out, funny, and didn’t hesitate to tell you off either. We definitely had our share of fights because I didn’t like being told what to do. I still have the scar of her slamming my finger in the door. Of course we always made up because that’s what you do as sisters.
I think we owe not having black knees because of her (lol). She didn’t play about us not taking baths. Even now when I take my showers, I make sure to scrub my knees. She didn’t play when it came to her money. If you weren’t contributing to the household, financially, you got an ear full from her about using too much water, washing your clothes, etc. If you messed up, you cleaned up, which is something we all owe to our momma. I don’t think there was anyone that didn’t love her (my sister) though.
She was told she would never have children but went on to have 3. Two of her 3 children were killed in a devastating fire at our momma’s house and Tony was never the same after that.
This was supposed to have been written before the new year. But better late than never I suppose…
There’s really no way to (perfectly) describe the sadness I (still) feel of my mom’s passing. It’s even harder when the holidays roll around. However, I was determined to make the most of Christmas for the sake of my (step)children.
Reality started to set in the day before Christmas. The hubster put on some Christmas music but deep down I was wishing he’d stop playing it. Some of the songs triggered memories – some good and some bad. The bad meaning that my dad didn’t care if it was the holidays or not when it came to him physically abusing my mom. But my mom being who she was, through her bruises and pain, always prepared a nice hot breakfast Christmas day (if he beat her the night before) and made sure we had a pretty decent Christmas as kids. I ended up crying in the bathroom. I was happy when the hubster finally stopped playing Christmas music.
I wrote a post on Facebook in memory of my mom – the day before Christmas and I’m still a bit sad at that point. I was eating cereal that had cranberries in it and was removing them as Im not a fan of cranberries. About 6 minutes after posting the memorial to my mom, I came across a cranberry that, to me, looked like a heart. I swear in an instant it seems, a sense of calmness washed over me. I could feel my mommy’s presence and so I decided to pull myself together. Yes, I do believe in (guardian) angels.
I so love capturing moments of my family, among other things. This morning I came across so many photos that are on our desk top that I need to transfer over. I should seriously be doing some type of backup as well.
Part of my blogs name is – Now Healing/Healed. I want others to see that you can have a life after having endured some horrible things and that you can heal from it. No, that doesn’t mean the scars don’t remain, it just means that you’ve taken the steps necessary to be – Happy!
The kids come over every other weekend and on Sunday, before we take them home, we sometimes stop at the Chinese restaurant. Last weekend as we were leaving, I wanted to get a picture of the hubster with the kids and I wanted one of us all together. The solution? Using the kickstand on my phone and propping it up on a concrete block…LOL! It took a few shots but eventually we got one. Not perfect but hey, those are the best moments.
While being a (step)mom/(step)parent has it’s moments, I so love these kids and happy that we’re are part of each others lives. It’s amazing how much they’ve grown the past 3 years.
The hubster and kiddos. Can you tell the one that doesn’t like getting his picture taken?
I remember your strong work ethic. I remember being dead dog tired sometimes and mad that we’d work late into the night until we got the job at hand done. I didn’t understand then but I understand why – now.
I remember being pissed that you had ripped up my favorite skirt It was way too tight and short for a girl my age but I understand why you did what you did – now
I remember you always advising me that forgiveness isn’t for the person you need to forgive. It’s so you don’t hold onto the anger and hurt which could be detrimental to how you spend the rest of your life. I never really understood how you could forgive so easily but I understand why – now
I remember you telling me that every decision I make has consequences whether good or bad. That I would have to live with the decisions I make and Id better be ready to deal with the outcome. I understand a lot better – now
I remember so many things that you tried to teach me that I fully didn’t comprehend at the time. The older I become – the more I understand the why’s and how’s of your advice.