My father was a very abusive man. I cant even begin to write all that he put my mother and our family through,. My father has been gone for about 20 years I suppose. He seems to visit me in my dreams but I still have the nightmares of all that he put my mom and our family through. Im still working on trying to forgive him. My Letter To My Father…
I do not understand why you caused the kind of pain that you did towards mommy. I dont understand why you caused so much pain within our family. I dont understand how one moment you were this man that was a loving father and husband but then in the blink of an eye, became this evil, EVIL man that beat the crap out of a woman that did absolutely nothing to deserve it, nobody deserves to be beaten like that. EVER.
Every night when I close my eyes, I cannot get out my mind the day you tried chasing her down with a fucking knife. I had seen you pissed before but not like this. I cant stop thinking about the end result had our neighbors NOT been home to let her in. I am ANGRY at you dad…ANGRY and HURT by your actions back then. Do you have any idea how many times I wished you would just drop dead?
Its hard to believe that at one time, the daughter you called ‘daddys little girl’, would be the one to end up hating you. How could you let it even come out your mouth that I was a slut cause you assumed I was ‘helping’ mommy to cheat when you knew damn well all we did was work. We found the pictures you took when youd ‘stalk us’ while we were out working. That should have told your ass something.
It was your behavior that led me towards a man (my first husband) that was just like you, abusive. It was your behavior that led me to become an alcoholic, suicidal, sleeping with men cause I didnt love myself enough but ya know what?? Im NOT that person anymore. I had no control over those things but I do NOW.
I have a wonderful life and its time for me to let go of the things Ive been hanging onto for so long. Ive allowed this hatred towards you control me and I cant do that anymore. Its going to take some time to work through all of these emotions but “I” will get there.
I was reading some news on MSNBC and came across the article about a contestant on – The Biggest Loser – who hadn’t lost any weight but did shed some emotional baggage. I read the article and then watched the video. It brought me to tears. I know all about being abused but not at the hands of my mother though. She has the kindest, most gentle spirit of anyone that I know and Im not just saying that cause Im her daughter. My website – Once Broken – Now Healed – talks about the abuse I suffered. However, it doesn’t really touch on how it affected my life. It doesn’t fully touch on some of the things I did and some of the things I saw.
*Don’t click link if you’ve never seen movie*
Theres a movie that I love called – The Upside Of Anger. The movie touches on why holding onto anger and resentment can damn near destroy you and those around you. One of my favorite quotes from there is as follows…
“Anger and resentment can stop you in your tracks. That’s what I know now. It needs nothing to burn but the air and the life that it swallows and smothers. It’s real though – the fury, even when it isn’t. It can change you… turn you… mold you and shape you into something you’re not.
The only upside to anger then – is the person you become. Hopefully someone that wakes up one day and realizes they’re not afraid to take the journey. Someone that knows that the truth is, at best, a partially told story. That anger, like growth, comes in spurts and fits, and in its wake, leaves a new chance at acceptance, and the promise of calm.”
See, Im the type of person that holds onto pain. I mean Im at that point of trying to let go – FULLY and it is hard. Some days Im hurting – emotionally. Other days Im filled with anger. Some days I don’t understand why those who were supposed to love and protect me, were the ones that hurt me – deeply. I wouldn’t say I have trust issues per se. I trust people until they give me a reason to not trust them but at the slightest bit of distrust, it will cause me to become VERY guarded/withdrawn. If I have let you into my world, my circle, that means I have trusted you enough with my heart and life.
Writing is like an escape for me. It allows me to be open when I might not
otherwise be. That’s part of why I blog. Plus years from now, Id like to look back to see just how far Ive come despite all the heartaches.
I know the importance of letting go * I know the importance of forgiveness and forgiving.
Im getting there…
One Day At A Time
I pray that you all who are going through it, don’t allow yourself to be robbed of your blessings and happiness by holding onto unresolved hurt and anger as well.
The video of the young lady