Tag: Grief

It’s Okay to Not Celebrate

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The holidays have not been the same for me since the death of my mommy. Never in a million years did I think she would get cancer; considering everything that she endured and survived through. It was unexpected and her passing happened quickly after it was discovered; less than 2 months.

Before her death, I was finally at a place of peace (and could celebrate the holidays) after losing my late husband (5 years prior to my mommy’s passing) to brain cancer (Glioblastoma IV). His diagnosis was a total shock. He survived for 2 yrs and 2 months after his diagnosis. I wrote about that here – Losing a Spouse and here – Loving Someone With Cancer: blog about our journey after his diagnosis.

My mommy’s death shook me to my core and 9 years later, I continue to find myself in tears. I miss every.single.thing about her. I had/have never experienced that sort of pain since the death of my niece and nephew who both died in a house fire. Even then, there’s still no comparison to the loss of my mommy. Her passing still knocks the wind out of me.

*Picture beloww* Shortly after her diagnosis. I had just got done greasing her scalp as she was watching her Westerns. She was a big fan of Gunsmoke.

I miss her. I miss her. My heart and soul misses her.

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Happy Heavenly Birthday Momma!

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You will forever be my hero. My inspiration.

You would have been 88 today.

Not one single day goes by that I don’t think about you. It’s been 8 years since your passing and it still knocks the wind out of me that you are gone. I wish I could hug you. I wish I could hear your voice. I wish I could see your smile. I wish. I wish. I wish.

Happy Heavenly Birthday! I Love You!

My Sister; “Tony” aka Jed

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Yesterday I received news that my sister had passed. I’m still attempting to wrap my head around her dying.

Tony is 12 years older than I am and we pretty much grew up together. She had some disabilities due to being hit by a car when she was young. However, she was smart as all get out, funny, and didn’t hesitate to tell you off either. We definitely had our share of fights because I didn’t like being told what to do. I still have the scar of her slamming my finger in the door. Of course we always made up because that’s what you do as sisters.

I think we owe not having black knees because of her (lol). She didn’t play about us not taking baths. Even now when I take my showers, I make sure to scrub my knees. She didn’t play when it came to her money. If you weren’t contributing to the household, financially, you got an ear full from her about using too much water, washing your clothes, etc. If you messed up, you cleaned up, which is something we all owe to our momma.  I don’t think there was anyone that didn’t love her (my sister) though.

She was told she would never have children but went on to have 3. Two of her 3 children were killed in a devastating fire at our momma’s house and Tony was never the same after that.

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Saying Goodbye…

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ETA: I’ve changed the original date of this post, which was: Jan 23, 2015, to today’s date. I’ve made the arrangements so that my late husband can have a final resting place. It’s been 7 years since his death and I think it’s time to give him a proper burial.

I have yet to give my late husband a final resting place. His ashes have been sitting inside his urn, in my closet, for 6 years now. I know this bothers the hubster as to why I’m still holding onto his ashes. There is one major thing as to why that has nothing to do with my not moving forward from his death. Something I wont get into here but at this point in my life, I have to stop worrying about how people think when they’ve mistreated me. Also, after giving him a final resting place, it will not cover up the void that remains – you don’t just “get over” a loss like that. Sure you move on but the void and pain is still there. People often compare the loss of a spouse, due to divorce, with the loss of a spouse ,due to death, as being the same. They are not the same. While I do agree that no one gets married just to get a divorce and yes you grieve from that sense of loss, it’s still not the same as losing a spouse to death.

Divorce is a Choice. Death is Not.

Does that mean I love the hubster any less because I still grieve over the loss of my late husband? Certainly not. When I post on social media, it’s usually during Veterans Day. I was a military spouse (to different people – gaah that sounds so bad) for over 20 yrs., so it’s just natural for me to remember my late husband on that day especially.

The flag was given to me after my late husband passed. I still have his dog tag and the heart shaped box contains some of his and my mommy’s ashes. I’m hoping that the hubster follows my wishes as I want the ashes in the container, mixed with mine should I pass before him. I know that may seem morbid to some but not to me.

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If you are a widow – this is a great place to connect with other widows – Camp Widow

First Post of 2015

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HAPPY “belated” NEW YEARS!!

This will just be updates of sorts

Around Christmas, the passing of my mom really hit me and I mean hard. Some days I cannot believe it’s been over a year because it seems as though it just happened. I have to look at old posts on FB and the dates of pictures to see what has happened over the last 2 years cause it all seems such a blur.

I had our home internet disconnected for a week, which didn’t really go over too well with the hubster cause I did so without telling him. I also deactivated my FB account. Something happened between us over Christmas and it was pretty bad. All I can say about that is – I learned a lot during that week break.  (1) Have a life outside of your spouse (2) You cant rely on anyone else to provide you with happiness (3) You cant fight for something if the other party isn’t willing to fight as well (4) Life is too fucking short or long – depending on how one looks at it.

Also, I didn’t realize how much being on the internet – whether it was researching, reading different blogs, being on social media, etc was taking up so much of my time that could have been spent doing other things I deem important towards my being happy and fulfilled. Not to mention I was actually getting to bed at a decent hour. The internet has been on for 2 days now and it’s so easy to fall back into old behavior which is why Im so happy that Im filling up my time away from being on the computer for an insane amount of time every day.

I think I/we’ve found a church. So far, I’m really loving it. On the 24th, I will be attending – Project One Women’s Gathering. What is it about? Project One is a gathering of women from different backgrounds, communities & churches – coming together – to be united as one voice.

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It’s Ok – To Not Be Ok!

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Last Sunday, it was as though God was speaking to me to get up and go to this particular church. I know it may seem crazy but every single time Ive heard Him speaking to me regarding church, it was something that I needed to hear while in church.

Ive been having a REALLY hard time with my mommy’s death. I knew I wasn’t “over it” but I truly thought I had dealt with it. The other day I had a really bad trigger which almost caused me to have a wreck. The trigger? It was a song by – The Temptations. A Christmas song called – Silent Night. I have a love-hate relationship with that song.

See, my dad was the type that sometimes I knew when we’d be having a great day and when we’d be having a day from hell. Sometimes I just couldn’t tell with him though. My dad didn’t always take off from beating my mom just because it was Christmas. Did we ever not get anything? Nope! Sometimes we received things from them that they had bought and other times, it was given to us from various organizations, such as The Salvation Army. If he happened to beat her on Christmas Day (usually in the mornings), we’d go through the usual process (he’d beat her, Id do whatever I could to make him stop, while my younger siblings hid (sometimes I did as well) or ran for the neighbors. After it was over, my mom would pull herself together. We’d open presents, she’d make this huge Christmas dinner, we’d play, eat and then go to bed.

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The 5 Stages Of Grief – From My Personal View

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Les, my late husband, had been having headaches that just wouldn’t go away. Very unusual for him as this was someone who rarely had a cold. One day while at school, he lost feeling in his legs and had to be carried to his car. I don’t remember if someone drove him to Urgent Care or if he met me there. Anywho, we were told we needed to go to the E.R of an hospital instead.

Once at the E.R., they ran the usual C scan, etc. I remember saying to the doctor – Youre joking right? – after he informed us there was “something” on the C-scan and that an ambulance would be transferring him to another hospital. I remember the lights flashing from the ambulance as I sped behind it. Its so funny ’cause after we reached the hospital, Les said that one of the paramedics asked if he owned a black truck to which he responded yes…The paramedic then replied….I think that’s your wife behind us and they all bust out laughing.

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I felt that my heart had been shattered into a million pieces, the next morning when we were told he had brain cancer.

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I Remember Mommy and Thank You….

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My Beautiful Mother – 7/14/34 – 10/25/13

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I remember your strong work ethic. I remember being dead dog tired sometimes and mad that we’d work late into the night until we got the job at hand done. I didn’t understand then but I understand why – now.

I remember being pissed that you had ripped up my favorite skirt
It was way too tight and short for a girl my age but I understand why you did what you did – now

I remember you always advising me that forgiveness isn’t for the person you need to forgive. It’s so you don’t hold onto the anger and hurt which could be detrimental to how you spend the rest of your life. I never really understood how you could forgive so easily but I understand why – now

I remember you telling me that every decision I make has consequences whether good or bad. That I would have to live with the decisions I make and Id better be ready to deal with the outcome. I understand a lot better – now

I remember so many things that you tried to teach me that I fully didn’t comprehend at the time. The older I become – the more I understand the why’s and how’s of your advice.

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